Lately I have been feeling like I don’t know myself. There are questions that I ask myself but don’t know the answer to, no matter how much I rack my brain for it. It gets frustrating sometimes. I know it sounds really dramatic but I have to admit, I don’t know the world as well as I thought. I don’t know life as well as I thought I did, to be exact.
Throughout my life, I have just been a laid back person. I didn’t have any wants or ambitions, until high school. Back then, I was an extreme introvert to the point where, if you asked anyone I know one word that would describe me they would say ‘quiet’ or ‘timid’. Back then, all I wanted to do was make everyone happy. I wanted to help people, and I tried to be there for them. I tried to be a friend to the people I knew. It wasn’t until after high school that I realized how cruel people could be sometimes. I thought that all was well, when in reality there was so much drama. I felt like I was living a lie, partially because I was too naive and foolish, but also because I held back too much. It was from then on that I sought to reinvent myself. I wanted to be someone who is ‘not me’. And the timing couldn’t be more perfect, since I would have begun my freshman year in college.
All through high school, I never rebelled nor cause any troubles because everyone expected me to do the right things. I expected myself to do the right things. I cared about what people thought of me. But I felt like I cared too much because it paralyzed me from doing the things that I wanted to do. I know I must sound crazy saying all of this.
I felt so alone back then. I felt like I had no one. I couldn’t talk to anyone because they have their own lives to worry about and I didn’t want to burden them. I sought comfort in music and writing. Whenever I sit by myself in the darkened auditorium or the music room, just me and the piano, I felt so safe and free. I felt happy. I treasured those moments.
Anyhoo, I wanted to become a different person after high school. I didn’t want to be the nice, quiet, timid girl anymore. So, I changed my outlook and stopped caring (most of the time) about what people think. I was determined not to be a pushover anymore. Therefore, during freshman year in college, I did some things I would not have normally done. For example, I went to several parties, not many, but enough to know what they were like. I also pledged for a sorority, but never completed it because I realized that it wasn’t for me.
There I was, trying to so hard to find myself but losing the real me. Oftentimes I wonder what the purpose of it all is. Even if we gain wealth or recognition, are we still not destined to die? No matter how rich or famous a person is, they are unable to stop the process of aging, sickness, and death. A part of me believes that we are here to live our lives to the fullest and to the best of our abilities. On the other hand, a part of me also believes that it isn’t worth it. But I don’t know. I’m just a girl. I don’t know anymore. What is the point of it all?